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Thursday, October 30, 2014

Wanted! Readers who can give me feedback on this sample.

Daria Jones

You probably already know about Joe Vitale's Hypnotic Writing books and ebooks and you may even use the techniques in your own copy writing. Why not help me out with your expertise? 

Your feedback is just the thing I'm looking for to turn a rough draft into something awesome still, no part of this sample may be used without my expressed consent.

Okay, here it goes.

Warning! Once you've been on a DreamTrip you will never go back to ordinary vacations again.

Dear Daydream Believer,

I know you've been daydreaming about a beach vacation. You imagined blue skies, warm sands beneath your feet and the smell of the salt water as ocean waves rolling in and out.

I heard you let out your breath you hadn't realized you were holding as you saw yourself lounging back in the shade with a cold drink, sighing as all the tension left your body.

You see your calendar in your mind's eye with dates blocked out. 

What will it be this time?  Florida? The Caribbean? Hawaii?  The more exotic, and tropical the better. Imagine how speechless your partner would be when you shoed them two tickets to Thailand! 

Maybe you'll want to do more than just relax this time.  Snorkeling, boating, or para-sailing could really liven things up a bit. You're getting more excited just thinking about all the possibilities aren't you?

Daydreams are great but wouldn't it feel amazing to take that fantasy vacation to wherever you wanted to go?

Whatever your passion, your deepest desire; I can help you experience the vacation of a lifetime whether you have three days or ten days and whether you have a modest budget or fat wallet. 

What you need is a DreamTrip.

DreamTrips are unique vacations to glamorous destinations all over the world.

They come complete with lodgings, activities and entertainment all over-delivered to exceed your expectations.

You get tickler communications sent to you weeks before your departure giving you more information about your destination, itinerary, entertainment and activities to slowly build up the anticipation, little by little.

When you arrive at your destination you get no-wait member welcome check-ins and a welcome reception.  When you return home a welcome home note will be waiting on you.

DreamTrips have the added value of the very important person VIP experience. You are special. You deserve to be the VIP and I want you to know it, feel it, LIVE it. You can get:

Customized vacation packages & itinerary
Your personal concierge service taking care of the details
Exclusive, members-only welcome receptions
Luxury hotel accomodations with all the amenities
DreamTrips give you 24 hour/7 day access by phone, web or smartphone app to your own personal assistant service that is there to do the things you have to do while you focus on the things you want to do. 

DreamTrips are so affordableyou'll take several in a year. DreamTrips are designed exclusively for members of the WorldVentures travel club.  

You may not have heard of  WorldVentures before, it is been a well kept secret since 2005. It teamed up with Rovia travel services to become the direct-selling industry's largest, most trusted vendor of vacation club memberships. One membership covers you, your partner and your dependent children AND gives you access to these five star vacations at three star prices.

You won't find value like this anywhere else. WorldVentures and its World Travel Award-winning partner, Rovia identify and purchase select accommodations, entertainment tickets and more in volume, then customize a unique package delivered to you with white-glove service. You get to vacation like a rock-star at a garage-band price that would make the most frugal budget change.

You can choose from the elite Platinum package with an initial one time investment of $399.98 and then $99.99 per month. The Platinum package comes complete with high-end perks and upgrades that will make your friends turn green with envy. 

Or, you can choose the Gold package that gets you the best deals on online shopping, entertainment and vacations. The Gold package has a one time investment of only $249.98 and then $49.99 per month.

You will get the best deals on vacations due to the patented RateShrinker Technology which gives you a great rate when you book and continues to search for lower rates on hotel and flight reservations right up to your departure; and if a lower price is found it puts the cash savings back in your pocket!

But here is the best part…Your membership fees are converted into rewards points that can be applied like cash to eligible DreamTrip vacations IMMEDIATELY upon signing up at!

When you take a family DreamTrip you finally get some "Me" time; you and your partner get some "Us" time; and you and your family gets some "Our" time.   You are happy! Everybody is happy!

You will have the freedom to choose from over 700 different DreamTrips or you can have a vacation customized for you. You can take a DreamTrip for a weekend or take it for a week. 

You want romance? Just see yourself walking barefoot, hand-in-hand with your partner on the warm sands of a sunny Hawaiian beach.  You can have that.

You want to feel beautiful and healthy?  Imagine yourself being pampered like royalty with a luxuriating deep tissue massage, a steaming hot sauna, and healing and energizing activities that  loosen the tension in every muscle of your body and leave you feeling relaxed and revitalized.  You’ve worked hard, you deserve that.

You want an extreme adventure? Imagine what it would be like to take an East African safari and immerse yourself in the incredible sights of wildlife--from elephants to lions up close and personal and tranquil sounds of the river under your boat. Let yourself have that.

You want to connect with others? Meet people and experience another culture through fine art, music, dance and an endless variety of flavorful foods from spicy sauces to rich, sweet deserts that satisfy the most choosy mouths. Mmm, you can taste it!

Why daydream about tomorrow when you can make it a reality today?  Wait no longer, just go to and click "sign up" right now!  

Don't you think it's time to get the BEST, MOST INTENSE, UNIQUE vacation experience of your life? The DreamTrips  membership is small investment to make towards the memories you and your loved ones can create.

P.S. Want to get more bang for your buck, add to the fun AND save even more money on the vacations of your dreams? Refer four of your friends to get a DreamTrips membership from and your monthly fees will be waived for as long as the four memberships stay active.

Well, what did you think?  Yes, the offer is real, everything is real but I honestly just want your feedback on what you've just read.  Here are a few considerations to help guide you in your comments. This post will only be up for the next 5 days before I return to my regular blog.

  1. Does the opening to the actual sample pull you in and make you want to read the article?
  2. Does the article move along at an easy-to-read clip, generating desire to read all the way?  Is it boring?
  3. Is the copy visually attractive and inviting--short sentences, short words, paragraphs, bullets, subheads and other visual aids?
  4. Does the copy overcome objections and answer all questions?
  5. Is the ad a complete selling argument?
  6. Does the copy  include proof and create believe-ability with specific details, guarantees, etc. Do you think prospects will read this and still remain skeptical?
  7. Does the copy end with a powerful call to action?  Does it tell the reader what to do?
  8. Is the copy written from the viewpoint of what the readers will get?  Do readers know how their lives will be improved?
  9. Does the article convince the reader why she/he should buy?
  10. Does the article follow and complete what its headline begins?